Im not going to lie. I found this post very difficult to write. Trying to explain how this felt was like me trying to speak Spanish; I start second guessing myself, fumbling my words and end up not translating correctly. So let me start by saying this, I felt so lucky being able to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) for so long. However I am so ready to find myself, my old self, again. I am ready to help contribute to the family financially. I am so ready–GUILT FREE
Before becoming pregnant I was so lost. Lost in a sense I knew what I wanted out of life I just didnt know the road to get there. I was a college drop out dealing with the soul crushing truth of not being good enough. I felt like my life was going to dead end. That I was going to be stuck in the same ghetto apartment, making minimum wage for the rest of my life. Then one day my oldest friend Sara asked me to come work with her. She was a Dental Assistant in an office looking for extra hands. I instantly fell in love! I loved the face paced hustle of the office. I loved learning all the different instrument names and what went with different procedures. I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. The pay raise didn’t hur either. After gettin engaged really felt like I was on the right track to getting my version of the American dream. I soon became happily pregnant after my engagement!
After having James I knew there was no way I was going back to work after six weeks. It also helped that my husband wanted me home as much as I wanted to be home. We never put a timeline on how long I would be a SAHM. It was always about making sure James was taken care of; we would know when it was time. Over the months I don’t think either of us knew it would take this long. In the beginning I honestly felt fulfilled with every thing that comes with being a SAHM. I loved being able to raise and teach my son. I loved watching him grow day by day. However, the older James got the more often I would be asked “so when you going back to work?”
That question was always lingering in the back of my mind. I knew what burden my husband was carrying. I could see the stress weigh on him, especially during bill week. My husband carried the weight of this family on his shoulders for so long and I am very thankful he was able to do that all on his own. On the other hand however, I am so happy to start contributing financially again. I know by doing this it will make his life so less stressful.
Now being honest with you I didn just wake up one day and say hey im ready to go back to wok. I went back and forth with the idea for months. I kept asking myself, is James ready? Am I ready? It was a bigger decision than you’d think. Me going back to work would be a 180 from what my family was used to. That would mean not only would James be spending most of his mornings with someone else, he would be on someone else’s time for a change. Opposite of that, he would get to spend more one on one time with dad. Over the summer I was lucky enough to witness a huge change in my son. He was speaking sentences; He began playing more independently; he became more of big boy than ever before. This was how I knew it was time.
I knew my SAHM mom days were coming to an end and honestly it was exciting! I started going over my resume and checking for Dental Assistant listings. I was ready to have that part of my life back. When I read/listen to other moms talk about being a “working mom” there is always talk about feeling guilty. I have not experienced any of that. I really enjoy the time I have to be Alexis. I soak it all in! That doesnt mean I don’t talk about James in every convo (because any parent knows this isn’t possible). It just means I am embracing myself. Im getting comfortable in my own skin again. Being away from my boys all day also makes me appreciate the time we spend as a family. Now with the extra income we get to have so many new experiences together.
Putting myself back out into society and out of the momrelm hasnt been an easy journey. My family and I have had a lot of speed bumps, pot holes and detours along our way. How ever it has been a fun ride so far. I have been enjoying finding my place again. I am loving this recharged version of myself.